The Real Life Christmas Vacation

So Its Christmas season right? Yeah, well I was all bahhh humbug up until last week when I finally had a little time to spend with the family. I had promised my daughter Hannah that I would put up the Christmas tree and help do the lights and even thought I would surprise her by putting up Christmas lights outside. So I did.... but not without feeling like Clark Griswold from the movie 'Christmas Vacation.'

I got this great idea that I would save money this year by using a Christmas tree that is no longer needed by someone. I was given permission and by the looks on the box it looked great. You know, perfectly combed and of course pre-lit to make it look snazzy. Then I noticed on the box the cost was printed on the box. $18.99. So I said "Why Not?" "Surely this tree will turn out the same as the box." Wishful thinking I might add. So with all excitement and happiness and sappy Christmas music playing in the background I proceeded to open the box. Carrie and I both looked in the box and then looked at each other and said .... Oh no and began to laugh. The tree was basically in two pieces and had been folded up for no telling how long. There was a stand but it falls apart every time you touch the tree and in frustration and disappointment with myself I declared, "We are going out to find a Christmas tree!"

Wal-mart usually has everything we need to get through life, so we decided we would venture there to find a fake tree for a decent price and maybe find some lights for the outside. A typical trip to wal-mart for most people is a fairly easy process unless you are like the Howard bunch and have two toddlers. We ran around chasing Hannah and Abby for what seemed an eternity shoving shoes on their feet and somehow squeezing that tightly fitting coat on my one year old's body. By the time we get Abby in the car she looks like the little boy from "Christmas Story" Randy rolling around in the snow, unable to move anything. Might i add that it is absolutely freezing outside and we are dragging two toddlers, a late term pregnant wife and a tired dad to WALLY WORLD!

Well first it was the trees were to expensive and then Hannah had to go to the Bathroom and then we walked outside in the freezing cold to pic a real tree. After freezing and getting ill with each other and both baby's crying I decided that it might be best for the girls to go back inside so I could stay and freeze my butt off for the perfect Christmas tree...right? I finally found one and as I expected there was nobody to help me. Once I wrapped the tree myself and finally rigged our car we were finally on our way home. We stopped at Starbucks for hot chocolate and tried to calm down. We finally get home around 10:00 pm and of course its way past the girls bed time. I was absolutely fine with leaving the tree on the car, walking in the house and going to sleep... but Carrie would have none of that.

Long story short, I get the Christmas tree in the house without killing anyone and finally sat down to relax. Monday morning we wake up and I am absolutely fired up about putting up lights. I have never put lights on my house for Christmas in the 5 years we have been married. Everything is running like clock work and I am thinking that this is going great. I am outside in the cold being a great daddy so my girls can smile when they see our beautifully lit house. 7 hours later in the pitch black freezing/wet night, I am on the ruff trying not to kill myself and then it happens. I finally get the last strand on and get down and half the lights wont work. I look up on the roof and our neighbors cat along with mine have made it to the top of the ladder and are dancing around and playing like there is no tomorrow. In a fit of rage and anger I might add I yelled at the stupid cat's to get down and to my shegrin they didnt! They ran around acting as if they were at romp a room with a bunch of toddlers. I finally located one and got him to stop. He didnt listen to me and began to chew on the lights!

I quickly climbed back on the ladder and barly pulled myself up the back side of the house and discarded of the vermen. (There were no animals 'specifically cats' harmed in this story). I climbed over to the other side sprawled out my body on the edge of the roof trying to figure out what was wrong. I tried everything and then it dawned on me that I had not checked the fuses. Ok, thats simple enough and I changed the fuses. Being the goob that I am I then proceeded to drag a 100 foot extension cord on the roof and it kept getting hung on lights and pulling them out of place. The cord continued to fall off the house every 5 minutes until I finally made a cell phone call to my beautiful wife to come out and throw it on the house to me. Well, she did and nearly took me and the lights out in the process. I finish hooking up the lights and they are finally working and get off the roof and I think to myself.... David you could have connected all the lights together in one strand and you wouldnt have had to go through all of this trouble. I climb back on the roof and do just that. I finally get down from the roof and go in the house to get the girls and of course after spending 7 + hours putting lights up on a house my girls are a. too tired to go look and b. Hannah is playing on the computer. After all that, I cant even get them to come outside and look.. Eventually Carrie convinced Hannah to come see and the look on her face was priceless.

Finally, Finally it was all over.... Oh no! 2 hours later the lights arent working! Its midnight... Im tired and I am not dealing with these "Stupid lights!" Of course like any bull headed man I did and had no luck. The next day I found out that the fuse had blown at the beginning of the lights thus shutting down the rest of the system. I had over loaded the first set of lights. All that work to get the 100 foot cord on the house was really needed. Well here we are on friday and the lights arent working. After feeling Like Clark Griswold for two days I thought it couldn't get worse. I didnt realize I would be playing the part of Cousin Eddy in a few hours. I awoke thursday morning to a great breakfast followed by finding out my cat has tape worms, followed by the dryer cord coming lose and taking 30 minutes to re-fit on my house because some bright minded builder thought, "Hey lets put the dryer in the middle of the house and run the vent through the roof!" After fighting that for a while the dishwasher starts going nuts! Its pumping water in the floor and flooding the inside of it out. I then walk back to the bathroom and Carrie announces that the toilets will not flush. I get out the plunger as every good husband would and went to work. Plunge, Crap, Plunge, Crap etc etc.... you get the point. She then comes running in and says the other toilet is backed up! "What the heck!" Then our house begins to smell of sewage and I finally just give up! After several phone calls, a trip to the vet, a flooded back yard, stopped up sewage tank, stinky house, broken dishwasher, a plumber, a dishwasher installation man, we are back to normal within 24 hours.

So whats the moral of this story? I have no idea! I do know 2 things ..... a. Believe in GOD! and b. believe in Mr. Murphy! Murphey's law that is!

Dave